Living in harmony?

It’s been suggested recently that I’m not ready to recover, and the result of that being I should ‘take a break’ from therapy. If I don’t make changes in the next few weeks the consequence will be that I’ll be discharged. Discharge from therapy means discharge from SEDCAS and I’ll be on my own all over again.

Only, I won’t be alone. I’ll have my eating disorder for company.

Mixed feelings is an understatement. Do I feel ready? I can’t answer that. I’m probably not wholly ready to leave it all behind. I want to get well. I really, really want to leave it behind and start living. But I do not want to gain weight. I want to stop binging, but I don’t want to start eating. It’s a constant battle. But I also know that I’m not ready to just give up, and leaving treatment would feel that I am.

It was suggested that I could just continue to live with my eating disorder. Keep my BMI above 15 and continue to ‘function’. This made me feel like screaming. I don’t want to just function. I feel like I’ve been ‘functioning’ all my life. I want to stop functioning and start actually living.

I feel like everyone’s giving up on me. I can understand this, it’s been 18 months and I’ve made next to no progress, but it’s an awful feeling. I feel like a failure every single day and this feels like a confirmation. When I think back to the battle I had when I first sought help for my eating disorder, it was pure luck that I met someone who empathised with my condition and really fought my corner for me to get me into ‘the system’. And even then it was so, so difficult to feel listened to. I know that leaving therapy now would mean I’d never go back, and I’m very scared that ‘living in harmony’ with my eating disorder would kill me.

I might not be totally ready, but I’m also not not ready. I have to do this now. There is no other option.

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