Out with the old

I knew it would happen, but it doesn’t make it easier…

Despite an undisputedly healthier outlook on weight restoration, having gained close to a stone over the last few months my clothes are getting tighter, my jeans uncomfortably so. It’s an unavoidable, in your face, reminder that I am heavier, wider, physically bigger than I was.

My ‘healthy’ mind reminds me that this is a good thing. I know I look better for it. I don’t look ill anymore, and with the new job about to start, new colleagues who won’t know about my past and just know me for ‘me’, this is a great thing that, I’m hoping, will make it easier to break from the eating disorder.

But tight clothes are, and always have been, a big trigger for me. Regardless of how positive I’m feeling, the band of my jeans cutting into my stomach makes me feel big, ‘fat’, despite how small those jeans are in the first place. I am an adult woman, a mother, I should not be wearing clothes made for children. It’s time to move on.

So… In a big step in the right direction, I’m buying bigger clothes. Clothes in a ‘healthy’ size. Wearing clothes that are a little on the baggy side (and over the next few months should hopefully fit quite nicely) will have a positive psychological impact. (Plus it means new clothes, I’ve always loved new clothes!)

It’s a symbolical way of pushing the eating disorder further from my life. Packing up the old clothes, throwing them away, getting rid of what they mean and the impact they had.

Let’s do this.

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